We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
