Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
