It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I looked at my own cervix.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
