If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
