I'm sorry my penis didn't work
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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