I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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