just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
