Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Four minutes until I can fart!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
