I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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