We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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