You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
