Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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