If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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