My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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