Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
