If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
