it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
