My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
