i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
