dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
