How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
