okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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