omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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