Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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