somebody snuck up and got me drunk
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
