So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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