the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
