My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
