how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
