Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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