3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
