So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
