I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
