just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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