stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
