life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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