The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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