i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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