we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
