Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
