I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
