well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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