shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
