the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
