i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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