I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You are the jesus of drinking
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
