I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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