Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
