Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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