So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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