What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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