just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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