Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
