NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
