I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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