Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
