please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
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Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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