I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
