I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
