Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Randomize
