Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
