for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
